I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
