I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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