I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
