It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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