My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
