I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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