i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
