fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
