so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
