Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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