I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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