just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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