i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
