you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He shit in the fireplace
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
