You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
