why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
