I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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