someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
