I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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