What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
