The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
