well you can't waste a boner
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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