i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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