stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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