no, he came in my armpit
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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