I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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