Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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