im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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