Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
