and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
