Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
