ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
