This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
