her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
