Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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