oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there's paper in my vomit.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
