totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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