So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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