When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
