No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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