i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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