Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
