My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
