P.S. I can't hear my feet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
