new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
