I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
