why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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