a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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