I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
