Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
