why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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