i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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