These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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